The Onion Archives

By Deane Barker on August 31, 2005

Strapping Young Man To Address Congress: With their new redesign, The Onion has opened up its entire archive for free — it used to be behind a paid wall. With this, I once again have found the funniest news brief in Onion history.



  1. Here’s my absolute favorite.

    God Damns Minnesota Vikings As Requested

    September 6, 2000 | Issue 36•31

    LIBERTYVILLE, IL–Responding to a fourth-quarter cry from diehard Chicago Bears fan Lester Ruddick, God damned the Minnesota Vikings Sunday. “Players and employees of the Vikings organization,” God announced from Heaven, “I have heard the pleas of Lester Ruddick in the final moments of a devastating 30-27 Bears loss to the Vikings, and My wrath shall burn forever against you. No supplication, no contrition can help you now. Every last one of you, from All-Pro wideout Randy Moss all the way down to third-string left guard Chris Liwienski, shall be damned to an eternity of pain and suffering.”

    Apparently it’s still in effect.

  2. I was at that game…Lester may get the credit, but many of us fans were asking for the same request. Thank you, Lester!!!

  3. Fave: Poll: 73 Percent Of Americans Unable To Believe This Shit.

    “Contrary to popular belief, this type of shit is hardly anything new,” Harvard University American history professor Lawrence Coombs said. “The same shit was going down 50, 100 and 150 years ago. The only difference was, back then, you never read about that shit in the newspapers.”

    If this article was written in 2005, weblogs would surely have been mentioned.

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